Many of these I cannot take credit for . . Many have been sent to me by regular visitors . . I do like them, they make me laugh so I have added this Miscellaneous Page just for that something different.
I hope this doesn't offend anyone . . .
The Penis Poem
My nookie days are over.
My pilot light is out,
What used to be my sex appeal
Is now my water spout!
Time was when, all on it's own,
from my trousers it would spring.
But now it's a full time job
to find the fecking thing!
It used to be embarrasing
the way it would behave,
for every single morning,
It would stand and watch me shave!
Now as old age approaches,
it sure gives me the blues.
to see it hang it's little head
and watch me tie my shoes!!!
The Up Side of Living with Downs
I found this and fell in love with it . . . I don't know who wrote it, but if anyone does know please tell me, so I can credit them for this.
I am the Mother who was unable to see
That the truth was not being told to me.
I am the Mother that never understood.
That, "he can't" was to be replaced by "he would".
I am the Mother who never knew.
How much you would astound me as you grew.
I am the Mother who was blind, I just couldn't see.
Just how special you would be.
I am the Mother whom you would surprise.
By how much you would open my eyes.
I am the Mother who just didn't know,
That into a wonderful young man you would grow.
I am the Mother who was frightened and scared.
For a baby with a disability, I was not prepared.
Because of Down Syndrome I knew nothing at all.
And that - back then was my downfall.
But you opened my eyes so I could see.
Down Syndrome was not going to worry me.
You gave me the knowledge.
You gave me the facts.
You gave me the instincts on how to react.
You gave me the courage that I could do.
The battles I needed to fight for you.
I am the Mother who know believes
That you are one of the best thing's that's happened to me.
You've shown me a disability is nothing to hide.
You've been a constant source of pride.
You've made me happy.
You've made my life complete.
And you've shown me that ignorance you can defeat.
When I'm gone and no longer around
When you've buried my body deep in the ground
I hope you've listened to what I have said
My organs are really no use when I'm dead.
Take them all out
Share them around
Shout from the rooftops
A donor we've found!
My liver, my kidneys, my lungs and my heart
A few things to give someone else a good start.
written by S.Todd.
A bit of nostalgia . . .
I remember the cheese of my childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the children helped with the housework,
And the mean went to work, not the wife!
The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot
The children were seldom unhappy
And the wife was content with her lot.
I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on top,
Our dinner cam out of the oven,
And not from the fridge; in the shop.
The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with their mates in the road
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.
I remember the shop on the corner,
Where a pen'orth of sweets would be sold
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it . . . I'm just getting old?
Dae ye mind o Christmas lang ago
Whenn we were only wee
There Wurnae phones nur laptops
In the presents 'neath the tree.
We were happy wi a jigsaw
An annual or a game
A dolly fur the lassies
An fur the lads a train
An then if we were lucky
A big selection box
Then sometimes, no sae lucky
Yer Garrny's knitted socks.
I read this one and yes! It made me smile!
Smiling is infectious,
You catch it like the flu,
When someone smiled at me today,
I started smiling, too.
I passed around the corner
And someone saw my grin
When he smiled I realised
I'd passed it onto him.
I thought about that smile
Then I realised it's worth,
A single smile, just like mine
Could travel round the earth.
So, if you feel a smile begin
Don't leave it undetected
Let's start an epidemic quick,
And get the world infected!
I cannot take any credit for this miscellaneous one, but it's gone round on email so many times I've lost count but I love it.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the lord my shape to keep.
Please no wrinkles, please no bags
Please lift my butt before it sags.
Please no age spots, please no gray.
As for my belly, please take it away.
Keep me healthy, keep my young.
Thank you lord for all you've done.
You can refer to me as Queer, Poofter or Gay
I don't actually care what you have to say
I know what I am and I'm proud of myself of it.
And I will not make any apologies for it!
I do not maim, murder or steal
I am a good person. Accept the deal.
It's not catching like some viral disease
Just accept me, for who I am: Please!
I give up my seat to OAP's on the bus
When in the company of ladies, I do not cuss.
I have good manners, I was bought up right.
I enjoy a night out, do not look for a fight.
I am a normal person, much like the next.
So please don't look at me so perplexed.
When you call me, I do have a name.
I'll treat you with respect if you could just do the same!
Another cracking one that I cannot take any credit for
When I was in my younger days,
I weighed a few pounds less,
I needn't hold my tummy in
To wear a belted dress.
But now that I am older,
I've set my body free;
There's comfort of elastic
Where once my waist would be.
Inventor of high-heeled shoes
My feet have not forgiven;
I used to wear a six,
Now I wear a seven.
And how about those blasted tights --
They're sized by weight, you see,
So how come when I put them on
The crotch is at my knee?
I need to wear these glasses
As the print's been getting smaller;
And it wasn't very long ago
I know that I was taller.
Though my hair has turned to grey
And my skin no longer fits,
On the inside, I'm the same old me,
Just the outside's changed a bit.
Cannot take any credit for this one.
A visitor sent this to me, I think knowing it fitted with my sense of humour. ;-~
TOAST TO A FRIEND CELEBRATING A BIG-O BIRTHDAY
Heartiest congratulations (Name)
On reaching the big (Four)-O
You've had a very hard and gruelling life
And Boy! does it show
So we asked the "Ten Years Younger" lass
If she could see her way clear
To make a programme about you
And I've got her reply right here
(Open envelope as if seeing letter for first time)
Dear JonI've studied the pics you sent me
And what is very clear
We're very good at what we do
But we're not that good, dear
There's not enough surgeons in this world
I don't wish to be mean
But have you considered a quick sand blast
Some glue and plasticine
And Jon, please don't read this out aloud
Lest it might offendOh! (pause)
Folks let's raise our glasses for a toast
To (Name) our very...very old friend
With advancing years you've gained understanding
That can't be denied
We couldn't have insulted you any more
But believe us, (Name), we tried
Again, I cannot take the credit for this. Sent to me by the same frequent visitor who thought I would like it . . and I do!
I have a little Satnav
It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend
It tells you where you are
I have a little Satnav
I've had it almost all my life
It does more than the normal one
My Satnav is my wife
It gives me full instructions
On exactly how to drive
"It's thirty miles an hour" it says
"And you're doing thirty five"
It tells me when to stop and start
And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever
Safe to overtake
It tells me when a light is red
And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively
Just when to intervene
It lists the vehicles just in front
It lists those to the rear
And taking this into account
It specifies my gear
I'm sure no other driver
Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car
It still gives its advice
It fills me up with counselling
Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it
And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house
Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things
And - keeps me warm in bed!
A tribute to all the Grandmas and Grandpas who have been fearless and learned to use the computer . . . .
The computer swallowed grandpa.
Yes, honestly it's true!
He pressed "control and enter"
And disappeared from view.
It devoured him completely,
The thought just makes me skirm
he must have caught a virus -
or been eaten by a worm.
I've searched through the recycle bin
and files of every kind;
I've even used the Internet,
But nothing did I find.
In desperation, I asked Jeeves
my searches to refine.
The reply from him was negative,
Not a thing was found "online."
So, if inside your Inbox,"
My Grandpa you should see,
Please "Copy, Scan and Paste" him
And send him back to me.